And so it ends

Just like that, my little foray into the blogosphere is over. I'm moving to mexico next week! Thank you to all of you who listened to me. Sorry to go. Bye for now.

2400 dead and counting!

As swine fever hits the country, many of the men around here must have suddenly had the realisation that THEY'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I figure it would leave us with so few actual Y chromosome possessing individuals (if all the swines were wiped out) that we would probably have to breed a whole new batch of men for the country.

I of course, will be campaigning for them to be a little above sexually inept. For this purpose I shall recommend the grafting of obscure philanges from renowned romantic races. For the bodies, we could go for a sort of South American - Norwegian crossbreed that will result in inexplicable beauty, olive skin and blue eyes in most specimen.

We'd probably have to splice a whole lot of female brain (that we can salvage from the massive resources held by estate agents, who aren't using theirs) simply in order to fill the male brain cavity, but a bit of resourcefulness, sensitivity and compassion (as well as an understanding of hormonal cycles and chocolate) wouldn't do our new supersapiens any harm.

We'd help them along, of course, so that they can still be very male, and do male things. We'll breed them with high pressure bladders so that they can always do well against other men in the inevitable pissing contest. This should see us rise to the pinnacle of international power, if my suspicions on world politics are correct.

Wishful thinking, or as someone is bound to remark, maybe it's bird flu.

Exclusive interview with Tom Cruise

Some brief edited excerpts from my well publicised interview with Tom Cruise:

Zoey: A lot has been written and said about your involvement in the church of Scientology...
Tom: That just infuriates me. What do you know about scientology Zoey? I have researched this subject more thoroughly than any, and having read all the religious texts in the world I have concluded that there is no other answer but that proposed by L Ron Hubbard
Zoey: What I meant was...
Tom: What do you know about meaning Zoey? About insinuation, or subtext? I have taken time out to study these both in a dramatic sense as well as a spiritual one, and I can tell you that there is no meaning. There are only associations. At this time I would like to recite an alliterative Haiku I composed for my darling Katie...

...Zoey: If you don't mind me mentioning it, I saw you eat a whole lot of pudding at dinner last night. How do you do that and manage to stay in such fantastic shape?
Tom: I do mind you mentioning it. My private life has nothing to do with anyone on this television show. But what do you know about caramel truffles anyway Zoey? Do you just sit around here and talk about them, or have you actually researched them? Do you actually have a scientific basis for your assumption that the food I was eating is unhealthy? My body is my temple, and I have taken the liberty of building a research facility in the Nevada desert to analyse all foodstuffs, and I can categorically tell you that caramel truffles... ...You're very pedantic Zoey. And very flunctatious. Pedantic and flunctatious. You.

Zoey: Is Katie Homes good in the sack? I mean, like, as good as Nicole Kidman, 'cause redheads are supposed to be really hot...
Tom: I think you're misunderstanding the history of sexual intercourse Zoey. There is no measure of sexual achievement. We have sex to procreate. And people who use contraception are misled in evil ways...


We edited a three hour interview into a fifteen second moving montage that has Tom say "I love South Africa, I hope you enjoy my movie."

Sex and sales

More about me: I have recently written a book of short stories (ridiculously enough set on a space station habitat in the future). The publisher, in our contract (that I obviously didn't read) reserved the right to choose and design the cover. So far, it's not all bad. I am, after all still getting my work published. But then, from my portfolio, he chooses THIS PICTURE of me to go on the back cover:

My friends think it's hilarious. I could see the humour in it, if it didn't make me look like an outright tart. What does this image say about my literary self? How is this supposed to be a reflection of me as a writer...

The jokes I've heard are endless. But the fact remains that the publisher won't now let me alter it, or write a blurb or prologue that at least explains it. They reserve the right to manipulate my image so as to produce sales. Projected sales. And of course all the statistics speak in favour of sex. In fact, sex is so strong, that when a TV program has sex in it, people are 80% less likely to remember a single advertisement screened in between.

That's marketing logic. To me, I buy books because I want to read them, or possibly even because I respect the author. I am yet to see someone buy a book because the author flashes a boob at them.

It's downright humiliating. It's horribly sad. But now all I can do is try to laugh at it. Or at least, laugh at myself for being silly enough to sign that contract.

So what's the big deal with testosterone

There was a fast rider from texas
Whose performaces constantly vexed us
Ms Crowe has said
That he’s as good in bed
But how he does so with one ball perplexes

Go Lance go!

Cape Town nightlife

Cape Town has always had a reputation for being good for a party. The location is great, the models and gays love a thrash (so, in short, 90% of the population of the city are keen for a jol) and there are a host of cool venues... or are there?

I'm going on a trip to Turkey soon, and I was looking at websites to see what kind of evening activities there are in the coastal towns and cities I'll be visiting. All of these places have huge fiestas, large jamboree parties on the beach where all the youngsters go! Sure, you can sit in a trendy cocktail bar too, but for a taste of something different, something outlandish, everyone goes to the beach. If I was a tourist staying in Cape Town for a week, I'd go to the large African drum circle fiesta where local drinks are cheap and people have a wild thrash... (punters, I want royalties for this idea) Where is it? Why don't we have one? Why must we listen to more Euro remix trance on the decks every night when we can have a much better joll with twenty african drummers and a massive bar?

Just a thought.

Free phone sex hits the country

I can't say I get it. Calibre Clinical Consultants is to conduct a sexual behaviour study by cold calling people at home and asking them about their sexual behaviour. Excuse me? I can see the prank calls emanating from this one. In fact, I've already called two of my ex boyfriends and asked them to reveal everything about their sex lives to me. "So, Mr. Russel, when was the last time you had sex?"

Not that I'm on bad terms with them. I'm thinking of calling all my good friends and finding out their juicy secrets. Imagine the joy of getting a confession out of one of them. Then again, I can't exactly see anyone being honest with these consultants. "So Mr. Russel, just how big is your penis?"

I'm thinking of preparing a bunch of answers just to get to the poor person phoning. "Do you engage in any deviant sexual behaviour?"..."Well, I make it a habit to give anyone who calls me on this number o blowjob before the end of the week. So what's your phone number?"

Imagine being ten years old and hearing your father answering questions from a caller in his study, "Yes, we engage in sexual activity on average three times a week. My wife likes it when I take her from behind." Lives could be ruined for ever.

All in all, it looks like this could be good fun. I can't wait for my call. Free phone sex for all, I say.

Living life

It's a well documented fact that more women read Men's Health than men. This month's issue hit right home with me. An article interviewing Matthew McConaughey reminded me what life is about. That coupled with last night's M-Net movie Under the Tuscan Sun. So I got up, and ran as far up table mountain as I could. The feeling is exilirating, and unbeatable. The exercise is its own reward, forget about all the other positive effects.

But then comes the added extra. In the Men's health article, Matthew describes how he used to eat all the right foods, and sure, looked great, but just lost a bit of his rhythm. So now he sees the morning exercise as a ritual to make the evening cocktail taste that much better. And that, to me, is almost what life is about. Like tidying your house before a big party. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. Why not draw energy from it?

See you on the mountain tomorrow

Some records

South African blogs are few and far between. And I'm guessing that the average blogger is about 23. Taking a look at the South African Blog Awards it is clear that the blogging community is dominated by bored adolescents. I'm not saying this is true for all of them. A trend among these blogs is to lay down challenges for one another. This got me thinking. What had I done that people could consider a challenge? What had I ever achieved? So here then, just because it seems to be a popular trend, some records of my own to beat:

Number of bites taken to eat a standard issue boerewors roll at 3 in the moning in Long street: One

Number of spins made on a Phillipe Starck bar stool in Larry's Bar, Plettenberg Bay: Forty

Number of blog posts in one day: Three

Number of shots of Jeagermeister: Twenty three

South African men slept with: Sixteen

Orgasms had while doing above: Zero

Ok, I'll stop with the O rant. Sorry internet. I don't mean to besmudge you even further.

This is me, and silly blogger issues.

Ok then, hello. Let's get personal. I'll give you a friendly gif-animated wave if I wasn't sitting behind a friend's 12 year old (seriously) computer while house sitting in Camps Bay. You'd think people who can afford to live here could afford new computers.

But the actual reason for this post is that (a) this is a new blog, and (b) I wanted a personal portfolio (or whatever they call it, everything has jargon on the web. It's so geeky.) picture, but I don't have web hosting. Funny how Blogger will let you upload images for your blog, but hasn't advanced to the stage where it is possible to upload a personal image for your profile. Come on clever overpaid computer geeks! You can do it!